It Takes Time

I think it's kind of funny and ironic that my last post was about my perfect distraction.  In all honestly, the reason I needed a distraction sooo badly was because I had just miscarried identical twins.  I was 9 weeks pregnant when I went in for my first Dr. appointment.  We had an ultrasound and saw that there was not one, but two babies in there.  Sadly they didn't have heartbeats.  I was crushed.  That was my 4th miscarriage.  I threw myself into projects for friends and tried not to think about me.  It happened November 26th, 2011.  A year later, which was earlier this week, I sat in my sewing room working on a baby quilt for a friend.  I was so proud of myself for making it through the day without crying.  It's been a hard year for me.  We not only have a hard time getting pregnant but also have a hard time keeping these precious little baby's. 

On Tuesday of this week I had another Dr. appointment.  This time, I was 10 weeks pregnant and so excited to hear the baby's heart beat.  I've already had two ultrasounds with this pregnancy, one at 6 weeks and one at 7 weeks.  At only 6 weeks along I got to see my baby's heart beating so fast on the screen, which made me cry.  So this week, we go in for a routine appointment and ultrasound, only there wasn't a heart beating on that screen.  I've had 5 miscarriages.  I can't believe I'm even typing those words.  I've cried a thousand tears in the past three days.  I know that this is my trial in life.  I wish I knew better how to overcome it.  Maybe I just have to endure, and if that's the case I can do that.  I've had so many blessings in my life.  I know that those precious 6 babies are waiting for me in heaven.  I wish I could hold them now though.  My arms ache to hold them.  I hope they know that I love them and wanted each one of them so badly.  I wish I could put my feelings into words in a better way.  I feel so numb.  I know in time I'll find peace, which is the only reason I'm writing about it now.  It helps to talk about it and to put my feelings into words.  I know women have miscarriages all the time.  It's such a personal hardship that doesn't get talked about very much, which can make you feel so alone. 

I'm grateful for Jon.  He's held me while I cried so many nights.  He's so patient with me and has so much love to give.  My girls have been so sweet this week, giving me lots of hugs and kisses.  Ila has written me several very sweet notes to help me feel better.  I can't believe the amount of kindness and concern we have received this week.  I've been so touched by sweet friends and neighbors who've reached out to us.  I know that Heavenly Father is aware of all of us.  He loves us, and is happy when we are happy, as well as cries for us when we're hurting.  I know I have a long road of healing to go on, but in time I'll be okay.