Losing Control

When I was in high school I wrote out a list of goals I'd like to accomplish by certain ages.  I had a plan.  I thought I could control what was happening in my life.  To a certain degree I can, but that's not the point.  I've realized that a big part of my life is out of my control.  A little unsettling to think about, but it is what it is. 

There are two things weighing heavily on me.  1.  Jon's job.  2.  Our family   Let me explain...

Let me start by telling you that I am a planner.  I like to make lists and contingency plans.  I still do that a little, but in our lives right now there are so many "what if's" that I've had to let go of my need to plan out each detail.  I'm sure most of you can count on your husband to be home at Christmas, or make plans for a family vacation next year.  I don't.  I have made it a rule to not make any solid plans more than a month in advance.  You just never know when an assignment will come, or when you'll move unexpectedly, or his shift will change, again.  I wonder if this time next year we'll be in another state, and if Jon will have a new career field.  For now we'll just roll with the punches and enjoy Alaska, one of our favorite things to do.  I know that every one has uncertainty in their lives, it just seems like we have an extra large dose of it.  I've learned to let go, and to be okay with that.  We've had many, many fun adventures because of our constantly changing family dynamic. 

When I think about my family, as in myself, husband, and children, that's another ball of wax to wonder about.  Children.  Now there's an interesting subject.  I remember foolishly thinking that we could actually decide how many children we were going to have.  It was such an easy thing to decide how many boys and girls we would have, and in what order.  I'm completely happy with my family, but I always wonder what is to come.  Are we done having children?  Will there be more?  And perhaps the biggest question for me is how long will it be?  Again let me say that I'm totally okay with my family, and the 4 1/2 yr age gap between child 1 and 2.  It's hard though, to see many, many friends who have had 3 or 4 kids in the same amount of time that I've had two.  I know I shouldn't compare my life with others, but I still do.  There will be a constant reminder that I am not in control.  Yes I can do my best to plan and prepare, but in the end I don't make that decision. 

What is all boils down to is faith.  I have faith in my Heavenly Father that everything will be okay.  I know there is a reason for why things have turned out they way they have.  As I sit here with a sleeping baby on my chest, I know that there is a plan for me and my family.  I obviously don't know all the details of that plan, but just knowing there is one gives me comfort.  What would life be without a few surprises right?

  (No we are not pregnant nor are we moving right now, just contemplating life.)